The marrying kind, all in due time

An article that appeared in the Outlook section of Sunday’s Washington Post is generating online comments faster than I can reload the page to view them.

“Say Yes. What Are You Waiting For? The emotional, biological and economic case for marrying young,” was written by Mark Regnerus, an associate professor of sociology at the University of Texas at Austin. Regnerus is the author of "Forbidden Fruit: Sex and Religion in the Lives of American Teenagers." His premise is that we baby boomer parents should stop pressuring our offspring to wait till they're older to get married.

According to the Census Bureau, the average age of men marrying for the first time is now 28, the oldest since the agency started keeping track, Regnerus says. He doesn’t see that as progress. Citing women's enhanced fertility in their 20s, Regnerus promotes a flashback to the 1950s, when couples married young and often completed their families by the time they were 30. He tries to debunk the theory that the No. 1 reason for divorce is getting married at a young age. He further suggests that early marriage is good for the economy and the environment.

It’s not that young people don’t want to get married, he argues. The fault lies with parents who expect their sons and daughters to finish their advance degrees and achieve some early goals before settling down:

Now we advise our children to complete their education before even contemplating marriage, to launch their careers and become financially independent. We caution that depending on another person is weak and fragile. We don't want them to rush into a relationship. We won't help you with college tuition anymore, we threaten. Don't repeat our mistakes, we warn.

Could this advice be coming from parents who married young and wish they hadn’t? Who would’ve liked more time to indulge their interests and pursue their careers before settling down?

I faced opposite pressure when I went away to college in the early ’70s. My parents definitely expected me to graduate with an “MRS.” When I didn’t, they hoped my chances would improve when I moved to Manhattan to start my career. I had the time of my life -- one I wouldn’t trade away for anything -- during those two years in the Big Apple. I still believe I would’ve stayed longer and felt more secure in my career choice had I not been subjected to the relentless Greek Chorus: Time is running out. You’re not getting any younger. If you become too successful, no man will marry you.

Caving to pressure, I married for the first time at 25 and divorced at 26. It was a disaster; my heart wasn’t in it. I told myself I was going to swear off men until I was 30, just so I could get my writing career under way. Instead, I met my husband, Gene, a few months later; we got married the next year. That was 28 years ago.

Ours was also a second marriage for Gene. He married the first time before he’d finished college. He, too, bowed to the pressure of the times but also believes the hours he had to spend on the job, establishing himself, contributed to the demise of that relationship.

Regnerus, however, suggests that marriage and youth go best hand in hand:

Marriage actually works best as a formative institution, not an institution you enter once you think you're fully formed. We learn marriage, just as we learn language, and to the teachable, some lessons just come easier earlier in life.

Obviously, some couples are sufficiently formed to marry at 20 or 21. But many are not. And it makes me shudder to think of the possibility of returning to a time when early marriage was the norm. The ’50s-era artwork that accompanies Regnerus’ print article only heightens my worries about his retro-sounding advice. Somehow it feels like a backlash.

Many of us will remember the rhyme we sang as children: “First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in the baby carriage.” If a woman is going to capitalize on her peak fertility in her 20s, that sequence has to play out fairly quickly. Which leaves scant time for building a career. Or anything else.

Don’t get me wrong. Marriage can be wonderful. Having a family can be awesome. Managing both well takes not only maturity, but also a lot of time and energy. For too many young women, that can mean putting personal goals and interests on a back burner for 20 or more years. For me, those early years in New York gave me something to hold onto during the intense years of childrearing. My early success gave me confidence that I could return to that career someday -- reassurance my mother, who married at 20 and gave birth to me at 22, never had.

Gene and I have been clear with our three sons from the outset: Don’t rush into marriage. The older two, now in their mid-20s, have significant others. All four young adults are building their careers; the SOs are pursuing advance degrees. My sons are saving money, learning how to deal with less-than-ideal co-workers and managers, and figuring out what they need to do to achieve long-range goals. They’re flexible and mobile because they’re unencumbered. Delaying marriage seems to be working for them.

I know I can’t speak for everyone. Some people get lucky and find their mates when they're very young. They're able to raise bright, healthy, well-adjusted children. But I don’t think Regnerus can speak for everyone, or even most, either. Letting ourselves, or our children, believe he does -- therein lies the danger.